The Cat Miracle Diet

Someone has been watching my Cats!…
 
The Cat Miracle Diet
Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those of us who have never had success dieting, well now there is a new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people… such as getting lots of table scraps, most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite).
The Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. GOOD LUCK!
                                

   DAY ONE
    Breakfast:  Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it costs more the .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before
stalking off into the other room.

    Lunch:  Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

    Dinner:  Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing.  Leave the rest to die.
                                                    `’.   .’`
    Bedtime snack:  Steal one green bean from your     \_/
    spouse’s or partner’s plate.  Bat it around     \ .;=;. /
    the floor until it goes under the             –.’"-|-"’.–
    refrigerator. Steal one small piece of         /`-._|_.-‘\
    chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other   /     |     \
    half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining    /_/    |    \_\
    gourmet cat food from the can you opened     ‘—-‘`^`’—-‘
    this morning.

   DAY TWO
    Breakfast:  Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television.  Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

    Lunch:  Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

           Afternoon snack:  Catch a large                   beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with

 it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.
                  Dinner:  Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food- tuna or beef works well.  Eat it voraciously.  Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug.  Promptly throw up on the rug.  Step in it as you leave.  Track foot-prints across the entire room.

   DAY THREE
    Breakfast:  Drink part of the milk from your spouse’s or
    partner’s cereal bowl when no one is looking.  Splatter part

of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

    Lunch:  Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play
    with it on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the
    bird is seriously injured but   .–.
    not dead before you abandon  __/ o  ".
    it for someone else to deal  `  ),    "-._
    with.                           |;;,      "-._
                                    ‘;;;,,    ",_ "=-._
    Dinner:  Beg and cry until you    ‘:;;;;,,..-“"-._`"-.
    are given some ice cream or milk    /`/`           `’"`
    in a bowl of your own.  Take       ///^\  jgs
    three licks/laps and then turn
    the bowl over on the floor.

   FINAL DAY
    Breakfast:  Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a
    collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor.
    Drink lots of water.  Throw the bugs and all of the water up
    on your spouse’s or partner’s pillow.

    Lunch:  Remove the chicken skin from last night’s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag
   the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon it.

    Dinner:  Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry
    and get hard.

There you go, you’ll be sleek and slim in no time, and, you’ve broadened your food horizons! BIG HUGS, Steph

15 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kelly
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 10:13:24

    That is HILARIOUS. It\’s so true, too! Once, when I commented on the abs of my son, my hubby said, "Watch what he does for a day and then do that same thing for a month. You\’ll have those abs, too." But, alas. It made me tired just watching the little sucker. Geez.

    Reply

  2. EdgyKay
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 10:59:22

     
    Cats and skinny people make me mad.
     
    Last year at this time, I\’d lost 40 pounds with Weight Watchers. Unfortunately, I found 30 of it over the winter.
     
    Bah.
     

    Reply

  3. Lisa Jane
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 12:25:15

    I find this to be sooo true !!!
     
    ha ha i had a cat once so long ago now when i was a school girl i miss him !!!
     
    So i muct thank you for entering it was so lovely of you !!! Ill let you know next tuesday if you have won !!! xxx

    Reply

  4. Leah
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 15:04:00

    I still think you should mention the video to your sister, it might scare them into shape?  LOL

    Reply

  5. Litespreader
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 15:42:38

    that is sooo doggone funny, steph!!  i needed that… 

    Reply

  6. Nooner™
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 19:09:19

    Helpful?? Easy??? I\’m ready to fall in love!
    ~Nooner~

    Reply

  7. bobby
    Jun 14, 2006 @ 20:16:23

    You are very professional

    Reply

  8. Harold
    Jun 15, 2006 @ 10:21:37

    Funny  !!!!
     
    Hey, If you get a chance to swing by my place.. check out the idea I had for a new game…. MIGHT be fun to try

    Reply

  9. Silver
    Jun 15, 2006 @ 13:03:35

    So funny.. but so true!! love it..
    Hope you\’re well.. I haven\’t been by for ages.. comptuer probs as usual..
    xx

    Reply

  10. Bob
    Jun 15, 2006 @ 16:44:17

    ROFLMAO!!!!!  Tooooo Funny!!!  I\’d try it myself but I hate the taste of moths!!  One of your best posts!!
     
    Hugs,   xo  Bob~

    Reply

  11. KatSoup
    Jun 15, 2006 @ 21:19:23

    Roseanne Barr put it best
    "If you\’re fat, shut up and be fat"
    "If your skinny, fuck you"
     
    I love that one alot,
     
    I am having SO much trouble getting around here. no ones page will open for me!

    Reply

  12. KatSoup
    Jun 15, 2006 @ 21:24:12

    I have been thinking about this.  I thought animals hunt for survival.  But, your right cats hunt for sport, and bring the trophies home. yuk

    Reply

  13. Indigo II
    Jun 17, 2006 @ 06:56:08

    One you forgot: climb into the dog\’s food bowl, pull out some crunchy nuggets, and play hockey on the kitchen floor!
     
    I\’ll be thin in no time, thanks😉

    Reply

  14. bren
    Jun 17, 2006 @ 17:27:05

    When I first saw this title I thought it was going to include eating pussy I started to get naked.

    Reply

  15. David
    Jun 19, 2006 @ 12:11:41

    I thought you were going to say you ate the cats.  Rats!

    Reply

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