24 Feb 2006 6 Comments
I had a weird phone call the other night. I answered, … Me, Hello?
Old Man Voice, Yeah, this is your neighbor.
Me, I’m thinking, My neighbor?? The house next to me is empty, and most of the others behind or across the street are younger couples.
Me, My neighbor?
Old Man Voice, Yeah, this is your neighbor, you’ve been stealing my Newspaper and I’m tired of messin with you.
Me, My first thought is, this has to be a joke, and I’m trying hard not to laugh, but he’s so pissed off that I think ok, he’s serious.
Me, You have the wrong number, and, I don’t even like the local paper.
Old Man Voice, This is your neighbor, and every morning you’ve been stealing my paper. I want it back NOW!
Me, Ok, I’m sooooo tempted to say, "Come and get it, or, OH is that the newspaper we used for Toilet Paper?" But then I get a mental image of some of these local old guys, and I know damned well he’d show up on some poor person’s doorstep with a loaded rifle. So, I stifle the smartass comments. Since I do enjoy being perverse at times, I kept the conversation going.
Me, "You must have the wrong number."
Old Man Voice, This is your %$^#&(&#@ neighbor. You keep stealing my newspaper and I’m not gonna mess with you guys anymore. I want it back or I’m comin over there and kick your ass.
Me, You can’t be my neighbor, I don’t even have one.
Old Man Voice, (Louder this time, like that will make a difference) #^%$(^&(*&^%#@, I want my &^%$%$#* newspaper back NOW, or I’m comin over there and kick your &^%$## ass!
By this time I figured he’s worked up enough, I really couldn’t say anything to him that wouldn’t endanger whoever his real neighbor was, plus I had stuff to do.
Me, (In my sweetest voice) You really do have the wrong number. If you would have actually listened to me in the first place, you would have realized that. Buh bye now!
How sad is my life that I can actually find a wrong number entertaining? (Sigh) BIG HUGS, Steph