It’s a beautiful Sunday morning here. Yesterday started off going to my youngest daughter’s last volleyball game. Going to these games, and other sporting events where there are children playing, and supposed to be having fun, is usually uncomfortable and embarrassing for me, and it’s not because of the kids, but, the parents. I hate when parents yell and scream at their children during these games. Don’t they see it doesn’t help any, in fact seems to make things worse for the poor child, and just makes them look like a huge ass? Yesterday there was a couple behind me that kept yelling at their daughter if she made a mistake or her serve didn’t go over. These girls are 10-11 years old, sheesh. Then they were making loud comments about how the coach didn’t know what she was doing, and telling what they would do if coaching… shut UP already. Later I overheard this same couple talking to some friends of theirs, rehashing the game, and it comes up that, he, the husband has frequently volunteered to be a coach for the recreation district, but for some reason they always have more than enough coaches. Geeeee I wonder why? Personally I think we should be given baseball bats or maybe cattle prods, and be allowed to use them on any and all obnoxious parents at children’s sporting events. I know it would make me feel muuuuch better! ZZZZZZZZZZap! BIG HUGS, Steph
SENIOR PICKUP LINE
An elderly gentleman, in his mid 90’s, with hair well groomed,
a great looking suit, a flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a
very nice after shave, and presenting a well-cared-for image,
walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar, an elderly lady, mid 80’s, also well dressed and
attractive is sitting alone.
The gentleman walks over, sits down beside her, orders a drink,
takes a sip, turns to her and says….
"So tell me, do I come here often?"
BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:" 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book,unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human’s lap across arms, hampering typing in progress. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.
And don’t forget guests!