Once more into the breach…

Well, it’s Monday. I have a new scale and I’m a team member of, Mad Suburban Dad’s diet challenge. We have all pledged to lose weight and give to a charity of our choice (dollars for pounds lost). I’ve pledged to support our local Animal Shelter because they are working very hard at being a no-kill shelter. I consider that a worthy, VERY worthy idea and charity to support.
Sooo since it’s my first day of dieting, what am I thinking of? Food of course! lol I’m taking things one meal, one day at a time, and trying to eat more healthy. It does piss me off that it’s so expensive to eat healthy. I went to buy grapes (I love fruit) they were 3.99 and 2.99 a pound! No grapes today. In keeping with my thoughts on food, here’s one of my favorite emails. I hope it helps to start your week off with laughter. BIG HUGS, Steph
 
The Chili Cook Off (My Texan Friends will appreciate this) lol
 
 For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.

 The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted".

 Here are the scorecards from the event:

 Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

 Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
 Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
 Judge # 3 (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

 Judge # 1 – Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
 Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
 Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

 Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
 Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
 Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

 Chili #4 Bubba’s Black Magic

 Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
 Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
 other mild foods, not much of a chili.
 Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

 Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
 Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off.
 It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
 Screw those rednecks.

 Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

 Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
 Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
 Judge #3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
 sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

 Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
 Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
 chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
 uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
 wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
 like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
 slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
 through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

 Chili #8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili

 Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
 but spicy enough to declare its existence.
 Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
 hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili.

8 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. SAAM
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 10:58:36

    Good luck with the diet challenge

    Reply

  2. Jess
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 11:40:43

    lmao—wipe your ass with a snow cone…..! That made me laugh !good luck with your challenge…..diets suck !Jess

    Reply

  3. Jenn
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 12:11:48

    I too am taking part in the challenge and finding it quite difficult. By the end of the day all I want to do is curl up on the couch with a doughnut and relax. Not excercise and cook a healthy meal (gee, I wonder how I got to be so fat to begin with) Good luck to you and hopefully we will both be skinny hotties in a couple of months here…lOl

    Reply

  4. marc
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 12:24:12

    can I do dollars for pounds on ?🙂

    Reply

  5. Gina
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 13:43:09

    i\’m so glad that you are doing it for a no-kill shelter. that\’s what i\’m pledging my dollars to. they are always in need of support. Manny came from that shelter so we both wanted to help his buddies out. their website is http://www.littleshelter.com if you want to check out all there cute little cats. (and dogs, too). much luck on the diet thing! i\’m here for ya! and i say this as my officemate brought in all these delicious looking italian cookies to share! AHHHHH!

    Reply

  6. Unknown
    Jan 09, 2006 @ 19:28:00

    Hey Kittcat,You know I gotta keep myself groomed, I like to see what I\’m handlin, ha ha ha, Thanks so much for your concern, but I have the matter well in hand so to speak, ha ha ha… Smooches… Mikey

    Reply

  7. Barb
    Jan 10, 2006 @ 23:00:10

    HOWLING!!! So freakin funny! Good luck on the weight loss challenge!Barb

    Reply

  8. Allissa
    Jan 13, 2006 @ 04:29:37

    You are going to get me fired. I am trying not to laught…but I CAN\’T My pepper story…http://spaces.msn.com/members/flyingpurplemoose/Blog/cns!1pZF9PaKo-TDHRWdhvLFk83g!844.entry

    Reply

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