Equal Opportunity, funny female story

My goal is to bring you into the New Year with a smile and a laugh. I posted a funny Guy story and now I have a funny Female one. Any of the Ladies who have had a Mammogram can fully relate! BIG HUGSSS, Steph
Winning entries in the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition:
1st place in Humor category by Leigh Anne Jasheway of
Eugene, Oregon
"The First Time's Always the Worst"

The first mammogram is the worst.  Especially when the machine catches on
fire. That's what happened to me.  The technician, Gail, positioned me
exactly as she wanted me.  (Think a really complicated game of Twister -
right hand on the blue, left shoulder on the yellow, right breast as far
away as humanly possible from the rest of your body.)  Then she clamped the
machine down so tight, I think my breast actually turned inside out.  I'm
pretty sure Victoria's Secret doesn't have a bra for that.

Suddenly, there was a loud popping noise.  I looked down at my right breast
to make sure it hadn't exploded.  Nope, it was still flat as a pancake and
still attached to my body.

"Oh no!" Gail said loudly.  These are perhaps, the words you least want to
hear from any health professional.  Suddenly, she came flying passed me,
her lab coat whipping behind her, on her way out the door.   She yelled
over her shoulder, "The machine's on fire, I'm going to get help!"

OK, I was wrong, 'The machine's on fire,' are the worst words you can hear
from a health professional. Especially if you're all alone and
semi-permanently attached to A MACHINE and don't know if it's THE MACHINE
in question.

I struggled for a few seconds trying to get free, but even Houdini couldn't
have escaped.  I decided to go to plan B: yelling at the top of my lung
(the one that was still working).

I hadn't seen anything on fire, so my panic hadn't quite reached epic
proportions.  But then I started to smell smoke coming from behind the
partition.  "This is ridiculous," I thought.  I can't die like this.   What
would they put in my obituary?  Cause of death: breast entrapment?

I may have inhaled some fumes because I started to hallucinate.  An
imaginary fireman rushed in with a fire hose and a hatchet.  "Howdy,
ma'am," he said.  "What's happened here?" he asked, averting his eyes.
"My breasts were too hot for the machine," I quipped, as my imaginary
fireman ran out of the room again. "This is gonna take the Jaws of Life!"
In reality, Gail returned with a fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
She gave me a big smile and released me from the machine.

"Sorry! That's the first time that's ever happened.  Why don't you take a
few minutes to relax before we finish up?"

I think that's what she said.  I was running across the parking lot in my
backless paper gown at the time.  After I'd relaxed for a few years, I
figured I might go back.  But I was bringing my own fire extinguisher.


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Gina
    Dec 30, 2005 @ 13:12:30

    good lord! ok, breath. hahahahaha. that was HILARIOUS! In a sort of similar (but not really story): My brother was smoking a cigarette out of the car window when he flicked some ashes off. Unbeknownst to me, the wind blew some of the ashes back inside the car where they landed inside my fleece and onto my bra. After a few minutes, I sniffed, and said "whats that smell?" Looked down, and yelled, "it\’s me!!!" It burned a hole right throw my good bra! I didn\’t know whether to laugh or cry!


  2. KatSoup
    Dec 30, 2005 @ 13:50:30

    Oh god, i\’m feeling lightheaded.


  3. Greg
    Dec 30, 2005 @ 16:51:05

    Now Steph…It was in Eugene… It was probably an old "Dead Head" technician working the machineBut, that story was as good as the first one.You know…I\’ve realized, it\’s easier to read about a woman in pain rather than a man.That first story about a guy trying out a pocket tazer…Just made me winch in pain a little bit more.- GregPS- How does a woman have a mammogram with fake breasts?


  4. Barb
    Dec 30, 2005 @ 21:39:38

    Thank goodness I didn\’t read that BEFORE my appointment! LMAOHappy New Year Steph!HugsBarb


  5. EdgyKay
    Dec 30, 2005 @ 21:55:25

    Hahahahahahahahahah! Thanks, Steph. I don\’t feel so bad about the ridiculous crap that happens to me every once in a while…And as far as cleaning your oven goes? For the love of God, DON\’T! Clearly, it hasn\’t helped one teeny little bit at my house, so why bother? See? See how I save you both housework AND anxiety?I\’m sorry I missed your birthday — they\’re a big deal to me, so I try to make them a big deal for others, too. I\’m quite impressed that you didn\’t complain ONE IOTA about having a birthday so close to Christmas. (One of my best friends in high school was also born on Dec. 27 — exactly one year before her darling identical twin sisters. It was also their parents\’ wedding anniversary. Who do you have to piss off to have THAT happen??)Anyway, here\’s my birthday song to you:Happy belated birthday to you!Happy belated birthday to you!Happy belated birthday, dear Steph, who always makes me smile and has a kind word for everyone, and who I don\’t think has ever been in a bad mood in her liii-ifffffffe,Happy belated birthday, to you!This is best sung loudly, and off-key, please.Hope it was your best one ever!~k


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