The Gift that keeps on giving! (aka a tribute to Mikey)

I’ll start this out with, Mikey, I luvs ya! lol Mikey’s blog is very funny, I love his sense of humor, and the fact that there is so much more to him than just a goofy/funny sense of humor. (As are all of my favorite people who’s blogs I love… damn I have good taste!)  I got this story in my email the other day, and I could swear it was written by Mikey! In fact I believe it was. It’s exactly something that he would do… come on Mikey, admit it, this is you!! LOL BIG HUGS, Steph
My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey ya’ll, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Lifetime movie in the near future.

Here goes….

Last weekend I spied something at Larry’s Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my fancy is easily tickled.) I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety.

You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you’ve never seen one of these things in action, then you’re truly missing out–way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. 
Upon reading the directions
(we don’t need no stinkin’ directions)

I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arc between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arc of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yippee!!! I’m easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two double-a batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner,
my cat looking on intently
(trusting little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, not the cat)

and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping kitty for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I’m looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4" in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, no friggin’ way! 
Friggin’ way–trust me! but I’m getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best. I’m sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don’t do it buddy", reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil’ ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad
(sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn’t you agree?).
I decided to give myself one-second burst just for the heck of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight–always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don’t ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I’m pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.

Kitty was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You’re not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you’re lucky, you won’t dislodge one of the prongs 1/4 deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I’m offering a reward.    (Mikey’s link)


12 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. wizswench
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 10:57:22

    I have been looking EVERYWHERE for this story….I love it!


  2. Unknown
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 11:10:10

    Kitty,Dang, that does sound like me, ha ha ha. Thanks for the plug and the kind words, (I think, ha ha ha) Oh, Honey I\’m sorry I missed your B-day, Happy belated one though, Smooches… Mikey


  3. Chris
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 16:57:50

    OMG!!!!!!!!! I haven\’t laughed that hard in years! My son had to tell me to breathe! Thank you! :)I found your Space through Man Oh Manny, who I found through Bored Barbara\’s…..blogwalkingI\’ll definitely be back…


  4. Greg
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 17:05:35

    Oh my…Is he from Arkansas?What a story…Now I have the song from the Deliverance movie in my head.Not to mention…Jerry Lee Lewis…"Great Balls of Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirer!!!"- Greg


  5. Barb
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 17:37:55

    LMAO – that was so hilarious Barb


  6. K.T.
    Dec 28, 2005 @ 18:19:53

    WOW. What a nut! ROFL OH, Happy Birthday. OK, I have to know, how does one get their tongue stuck to the freezer not once, but twice???K.T.


  7. Red Skywalker
    Dec 29, 2005 @ 00:52:06

    For you from me: the best for 2006


  8. Ratdoc
    Dec 29, 2005 @ 08:33:54

    ROFL!!!! Sounds like that dude should have been on MTV\’s Jacka$$…..*laughing hysterically*


  9. Unknown
    Dec 29, 2005 @ 10:08:21

    Hey Kittycat,I just sent you a suprise on yahoo e-mail, hope you like, I couldn\’t believe my luck in being able to just help myself (so to speak) to these, they are soo awesome I could just make a trip to the litterbox over my luck at obtaining them, Ha Ha Ha… Mikey


  10. Indigo-XX
    Dec 29, 2005 @ 17:56:26

    I LOVE this…uh, not because it sounds like something I would do or anything. ;)Happy New Years! (a couple days early \’cause I\’ll be hungover).


  11. Jim
    Dec 29, 2005 @ 20:59:52

    Was that you that poked me in the butt with a stick!! I am alive and doing better, but I hate a running nose! We all have to get sick sometime. I think you should try that thing sounds like your buddy had a fun time. He should have tried it on someone else first. Be good and honest!Jim


  12. Melissa
    Jan 12, 2006 @ 12:12:34

    Thanks for sharing this story! The people down the hall thought I lost my mind when I burst out laughing all alone in my office! Have a great day!


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